Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control [Unabridged] [Audible Audio Edition]

Author: | Language: English | ISBN: B00EQ0I1MO | Format: PDF, EPUB

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Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control
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This first volume of Beyond Consequences lays out the basics of this revolutionary and simple parenting paradigm. Easy to listen to and filled with practical examples, this book will equip you to start parenting from a place of unconditional love and begin the road to healing for your family. Whether you are parenting your biological, adopted or foster children, the Beyond Consequences relationship model shows how to connect with your children and bring your family peace and healing.

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• Audible Audio Edition
• Listening Length: 4 hours and 42 minutes
• Program Type: Audiobook
• Version: Unabridged
• Publisher: Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC
• Audible.com Release Date: August 23, 2013
• Language: English
• ASIN: B00EQ0I1MO

I am both a lawyer and an adoptive parent. I have learned over the years to be skeptical of medical and psychological theories without a clear understanding of the supporting research.

Like one of the reviewers below, I am skeptical about some of the supporting explanations for behavior the authors advance. Unlike the authors, I suspect that the advice works because it addresses an adoptive child's fears and frustrations directly and openly (and not because it addresses the separation or birth trauma in the adoptive child). From my brief reading on the subject, the idea of trauma arising from the mere act of placing a newborn with someone other than his biological mother is certainly subject to debate. I confess, though, that a real criticism of the theoretical underpinning in the first chapter is beyond me. On the other hand, I would feel foolish contradicting it without more information.

Instead, I urge readers not to dismiss the rest of the book without further reflection. The advice given by the book is eye-opening and often very helpful. I found that it made good sense. So I gave it try. With our own adopted child, we have seen a night-and-day difference in his behavior which I believe directly reflects the efficacy of the book's general recommendations.

For myself, I tried to raise my adopted child with the "tough love" style that seemed to work with my oldest child and that my parents used on me. However, my adopted child often saw those approaches as rejection and separation from his family. He went so far as to regularly draw himself in crayon pictures so that he was completely isolated from his family.

Which would you rather do: Control your child's behavior using threats, punishments, consequences, and "time outs;" or influence your child's heart so that they want to behave well out of love and sense of security and self-control? That's the question at the heart of this book. Forbes and Post focus primarily on how to bring healing to the hearts and minds of children who've experienced early-childhood trauma, but the paradigm that they build here can be helpful to any parent who dreads the next encounter with their kids.

In our house, with three children adopted at ages 7, 7, and 5, we lived through the effects of trauma, abandonment, and neglect on a daily basis. We tried all of the "logic" techniques, and the "magic" techniques that tried to establish control over our children. They all worked - for a while. Then the rages, the whining, the violent melt-downs would return with even greater force. When we discovered that the stress our children experienced in their first few years had an actual bio-physical impact on their brain development that made them hyper-sensitive to stress and unable to self-calm, a light bulb went off. Our attempts to control the children's behavior was actually adding to their stress and fear, and therefore amplifying the very problems we were trying to correct. Post and Forbes helped us to look beyond the veil of anger and recognize our children's fear, acted out in the things the would do. When we began responding to their fear instead of reacting to the behavior it brought about, we began to see dramatic healing.

This is a short book and easy to read. But it's hard to put into practice because it goes against so much of what we've learned from "common wisdom." The one thing that makes it worth it all is that it works!

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