The Dance of Connection

The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate Paperback – August 6, 2002

Author: Visit Amazon's Harriet Lerner Page | Language: English | ISBN: 006095616X | Format: PDF, EPUB

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The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate – August 6, 2002
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From Publishers Weekly

Psychotherapist and bestselling author Lerner has been teaching readers how to "dance" with difficult relationship issues throughout the past decade, and remains one of the most helpful writers on the topic. With her familiar mix of conversational language and profound empathy for people (primarily women) who are struggling with the most important relationships in their lives, she now tackles the verbal challenges of life's most painful conversations. Far from trite "communication skills" or "assertiveness training," her book offers lucid and concrete guidance on how to speak out in a wide variety of problem situations (e.g., when a wife suspects her husband is having an affair with a co-worker, or when friends jeopardize their relationship by becoming roommates). Lerner moves smoothly through the common obstacles to understanding how we feel, how we want to express ourselves and what we want to accomplish by talking about our feelings. Recognizing that "your brain will turn to mush" when trying to explain yourself in an emotional state, she offers practical advice on sharing vulnerability; voicing concerns, complaints or requests; apologizing; listening and setting limits on how much one is willing to listen to others' complaints and negativity. Accepting that we can never guarantee that others will hear us or respond as we'd like, Lerner focuses on the authentic expression of self, "maximiz[ing] the chance of being heard" and keeping the connection open, despite complex emotions, misunderstandings and silences. (Sept. 1)Forecast: The popularity of The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy, The Dance of Deception and The Mother Dance virtually assures an eager audience for Lerner's new work. She has recently added children's books to her repertoire (Franny B. Kranny, There's a Bird in Your Hair, PW, May 21), which may expand her readership even further.

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From Library Journal

A columnist with New Woman Magazine as well as a staff psychologist and a psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic, Lerner is also a world-renowned expert on women and family issues whose Dance of Anger is a pop psychology classic. Lerner's mass appeal results from her ability to break down difficult psychological concepts into plain language. Her new work is similar to her other titles (which include Dance of Intimacy and Dance of Deception) but follows the human life cycle sequentially. After a brief explanation of the concept of inborn/individual traits and the influence of families of origin, Lerner shares her private family-of-origin stories which gives the book a vulnerability and humanness that other self-help titles lack. Lerner then discusses problems that can surface in adult relationships, including how adult children may talk with their parents. She shows that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling all have the potential to cripple or destroy a marriage. Each chapter analyzes a specific problem with case histories and possible solutions or outcomes. What results is an accessible and well-organized work that, with its predecessors, belongs in all libraries. Highly recommended. Lisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NY
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Books with free ebook downloads available The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate Paperback – August 6, 2002

Paperback: 272 pages
Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks; Reprint edition (August 6, 2002)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 006095616X
ISBN-13: 978-0060956165
Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.3 x 0.7 inches
Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #7,688 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #10 in Books > Reference > Words, Language & Grammar > Speech
- #17 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Conflict Management
- #34 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Dysfunctional Relationships

In a moment when we feel safe, loved, comfortable, and relaxed, most people can communicate quite well and strengthen relationships. Catch us off guard with a terrible blow from someone close, and our knees may jerk so hard that they hit us in the jaw. We may say and do things that damage or destroy relationships. What can we do instead of these harmful reactions? How can we repair things once the damage has been done?
While many authors have written fine books about building and maintaining good and deteriorating relationships, this book has taken on all of the tough issues as its focus. You think your spouse is cheating with someone else. Your child won't speak to you. Your husband has taken liberties with your daughter. Your best friend says she or he never wants to see you again. There's a terrible family crisis and the other person cuts you off.
Dr. Lerner draws on her personal experiences as well as case histories from her practice as a psychotherapist to give you answers. In doing so, she doesn't promise solutions will follow. But you can be sure that you will have done a great deal to try to help the situation.
The book starts with the contrast of adult behavior to how children behave. Two children become angry in a sandbox, but five minutes later are quietly playing together again. "They choose happiness over righteousness." Adults usually do the opposite.
The essence of the book is to encourage you to figure out what you need to have from a relationship, and to communicate those needs, while finding out the same from the other person. In that simple statement, the book's concept is very much like the better negotiating books (such as Getting to Yes).